Following Donald Trump’s first months as President of the United States, we secretly conducted an interview with some of the absolute worst totalitarian dictators of our era to determine how they thought he was coping.
“How can a man with a haircut that bad be in power?” the only bald dictator in the room questions. We’ll call him Jeremy. “Yet the people follow him. He has ultimate power.”
“Or a mind control device,” another dictator, who we’ll call Claude, chimes.
“Yes,” Jeremy agrees. “The US must have advanced considerably in that field over the past couple of years.”
“They’ve built a death ray too, you know.”
“Yes,” Jeremy says, “the only reason they’ve not used it on us is that Trump cannot work out the big red ‘fire’ button.”
“I like his take on Massacre’s,” a dictator we’ll call Simon says. “I’ve been involved in many genocides in my life, but I’ve never seen somebody make one up just to justify an horrific policy.”
“At this, point,” Claude says, “he could take a shit in the Pope’s mouth and people would still put up with his despotism.”
“Do you think Putin will make him wear a red suit?” A dictator we’ll call Jerome interjects.
“I think that’s definitely the next step,” Simon says. “I also think they’ll televise the live bumming on TV.”
“I can’t wait to see that!” Jeremy eagerly declares.
A darkness surrounds the room. The other dictators shoot Jeremy evil glances and Jeremy slinks deeper into his chair.
“He’s gone too far,” a dictator we’ll call Robert says. “Using the mind control device in the face of stupidity is totally unacceptable behaviour.”